Kat Kuan

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career path

The Joy of Work

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Last week was a really hectic, but fun and fulfilling week of work for me. I wanted to write this post because my work now has a different feeling to it, compared to when I had internships / jobs at corporate places. In the past, I’ve been lucky to have some very rewarding experiences on projects had a lot of purpose and meaning. But somehow it feels different now.

The word that probably best captures my sentiment about work now is: joy. A close second is probably the word stress, haha! 😉 But the joy outweighs the stress and keeps me going!

As I drive to meet my clients at the mall or at their homes, I have a lot of excitement about what’s coming up. I have excitement to talk to them, spend time getting to know them, and being able to figure out what knowledge or resources I can share with them to help them with their challenges. It’s very mentally stimulating because it involves deep listening and empathy and drawing on the best of my communication skills to articulate my thoughts as clearly and compassionately as possible.

With each work experience, I learn and grow and gain more confidence in my chosen career path. And of course, what follows joy is gratitude for this joy – gratitude for the people, places, and events that led me to my personal styling business. And gratitude to myself for making the leap of faith that this seedling of an idea (that fashion would be something I’d really enjoy doing) actually did come true!

Who knows what’s to come, but right now, these days, I feel so happy.

Happy doesn’t mean everything is easy and working 100% in my favor. But I feel happy as in fulfilled and feeling useful to the world.

A long time ago, my church gave out this card that says “God Use Me” to whoever attended service that day. We were supposed to take it home and pray about it, ask God how we could be of use to Him. I decided to frame it and leave it on the mantle. I prayed about it but not much happened. I still felt lost as what I was to do next.

As glamorous as it may sound to not have work and to just sit around with no obligations, it is quite stressful actually because I was always wondering, should I be doing something productive? Or I wish I had something to do. Or I wish I could make progress towards my next step in life. Anyways, that whole period of time in my life deserves its own detailed explanation, which will have to be saved for another time.

However, my point here is that when you’ve experienced having “no work” to do, you really do cherish when you have meaningful work to do. The other title I was considering for this blogpost was: “The Gift of Work.” Because now I do see that having work is a gift, to do something meaningful and contribute to someone’s life in a positive way – however big or tiny. It’s a gift for ourselves, really.

If your current work doesn’t feel that way to you, then maybe you’re doing the wrong type of work. If it’s draining or you loathe doing it, perhaps it’s time to consider if something else would make better use of your talents and skills.

Try to listen to what pulls you or attracts you. That may be a sign for the next big change in your life.

For more behind-the-scenes insight on what Kat Kuan’s life as an entrepreneur and personal stylist is like, subscribe to her mailing list here.

Photo by @lailaniafrica of @chicreativeagency

The Biggest Mistake

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I think the biggest mistake we can make in our lifetime is to think that we don’t matter. The mistake of diminishing ourselves and feeling like “oh if I don’t show up, it won’t matter. No one will even notice that I’m not there.”

In the past, I doubted myself and if my presence somewhere was even useful or not. I was hard on myself because sometimes I didn’t say much or feel like I was contributing much. But you know what? I realized how just “showing up” is enough. You don’t need to be the life of the party, you don’t need to be the best storyteller in the room or make everyone laugh. You just need to show up. Even having positive vibes already boosts the energy level of the whole room.

In building my business and sharing my journey, at times I felt like I was creating blogposts and videos that were disappearing into the void, like I had no idea whether anyone was reading it or getting any value from it. But in those moments of self-doubt, people would come along and give me a nudge. They would tell me that I matter, that my voice, my work, and my creativity matter. And that would help me stand a little taller and realize that what I do matters, and that I shall continue moving forward. So to all those people who kept reminding me of this, thank you from bottom of my heart.

And hence, I wanted to pass along that message to you. You matter. Your voice matters. Your life matters. Your choices matter. And your happiness matters. If it’s hard for you to grasp, I would say that’s normal. But my hope for you is that you eventually come to believe it with your whole heart. It’s an ongoing work in progress for me as well.

Many people don’t realize how much of an impact they have on others around them. They diminish their impact on their circle of influence – friends, family, work, community, etc.. They feel quite small about themselves or don’t allow themselves to fully dream about what their biggest and most powerful life could be. They don’t realize how much light they would shed on others if they stepped into their fullest and best selves.

Two Takeaways

So if you see potential in someone, let them know what you see in them and let them know they matter. I can’t fully express how good it feels when you feel seen in this way. 

Second, and probably even harder, acknowledge that you matter. It feels egotistical and self-centered to feel like your life matters, but it’s true. And when we believe that about ourselves, then we start to act in a way like our life has purpose, that we are worth investing in ourselves and worth taking care of. And in nourishing our body and soul, we start to come alive.

“The most powerful weapon on earth is the human soul on fire.”
– Ferdinand Foch

Feeling Guilty for Having the Opportunity to Chase My Dreams

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This is a hard post for me to write. But a part of me likes being challenged to be honest with myself and to the world, so here’s my best attempt at finding words to express myself.

If you’re new to my blog, I left my job to start a business (see Reflection on Leaving Google).

One of the hardest things is to figure out who I am and what I want in life. And for me, that can also trigger feelings of guilt.

If a friend told me they were feeling guilty for having the chance to leave their job and have time to figure out what they want in life, I would encourage them not to feel guilty. So on the obvious level, I shouldn’t feel guilty. But my subconscious mind can still hold onto those feelings.

I wanted to write this article because I don’t think this topic of guilt is acknowledged much in the media / literature on entrepreneurship.

SEEING EVERYONE ELSE OVERWORKED AND STRESSED

Being around other people in Silicon Valley and witnessing their overbooked, overstressed, and overworked lives – trapped in demanding jobs because of all their bills / debt, made me feel guilty that I was free from that (at least temporarily). I mean, I have my own stresses and problems, but I would say our struggles are different.

Anyways, it made me feel like I wasn’t doing enough and wasting time “enjoying” life, when others were working their a$$es off. It made me scared that I’d have later regrets for enjoying my life in this moment, and wishing I had worked harder and self-sacrificed now. For some reason, I also felt like I must partake in their suffering, otherwise I would be falling behind in life. Weird, I know.

I knew that comparing myself to other people’s lives wasn’t a good idea. I knew that enjoying life in the present is all we can do. But the guilt still lingered.

GUILTY THOUGHTS

A lot of my guilt was around the thought, “Why do I get this opportunity (and this time in my life) to chase my dreams? And why do others not?” It would make me shrink back because I couldn’t fully accept this opportunity or think I deserved this chance.

The best way I was able to overcome this thought is through this poem by Marianne Williamson called “Our Deepest Fear.” This is my favorite poem, so I highly recommend that you read it. I printed it out on paper (archaic, I know) and put it by my bedside so I could read it and absorb the words.

In the poem, she actually says “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?” Which is very similar to the questions that were circling in my head.

Her response in the poem is, “Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.”

Well damn. I guess that’s the answer.

The journey in dealing with this guilt was a long process and more complex than just reading a single poem, but this poem helped me reach a turning point.

NEW THOUGHTS

I try to see this time in my life as a gift from God – an opportunity to break the bad habits of my old life and create a life on my own terms. I try to see it as I got this opportunity and I’ve got to take a hold of it and run for as long as I have this opportunity.

Here’s another thought that helped me.

It’s this mental image of a big globe. And all these people on the earth, who are standing on different parts of the globe. (I should really sketch this out at some point.) And they’re each given a different path for their life that extends outwards from the globe in different directions. Yet these people don’t realize that everyone’s path is different and going in their own direction – the beautiful uniqueness of each person. Instead, they try to look at each other, they get competitive, and try to travel someone else’s path and follow that person’s steps – neglecting their own path that God had laid out especially for them. So I think the lesson is to follow our own path, and not get distracted by the paths other people are on. We all encounter pain and suffering along the way, but in different ways. And it’s not productive to take on someone else’s pain that was meant for them to learn from.

The guilt has waned over time as I’ve read more, talked to more people, and reflected more. It doesn’t bother me as much, but that was a mental mountain to climb. Just like I’ve been trying to declutter to get rid of things that don’t serve me in my life, I’m trying to let go of the thoughts that don’t serve me. And guilt for sure does not help me at all.

Guilt holds us back from embracing all that we can be. Guilt can clip our wings and ground us, when all our soul really wants to do is spread its wings and fly in all its beautiful glory.

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Age Pressure

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You HAVE TO see the below video. Bravo to Chloe Bennet for expressing these words that so many of us feel. I saw this video as an ad on YouTube and it resonated so strongly with me (and apparently 5.4M other people as well). I’ve watched it multiple times and it evokes emotion for me every time.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iNPLbbluze8

(By the way, if you’re curious, she is reacting to the brand SKII’s short film called The Expiry Date.)

POWERFUL WORDS

My favorite part of Chloe’s video is at 2:01 when she says, “I think the moment that resonated with me the most in the film was when you see all these women really deciding to take their destiny into their own hands and make that decision to be true to themselves and say ‘Look this is who I am.'” These words (and the powerful way she says them) just sends chills through my spine. She goes on to describe the woman leaving the date as a powerful moment of standing up for herself. YASS GIRL!

MY MOMENTS

For me, the moment of “getting up from the table” was leaving my secure, well-paid job at Google. “Getting up from the table” was moving from being an author into personal styling. Sometimes it takes us months, years to realize that we need to get up and put ourselves in a different situation – whether for work or a personal relationship.

I think this gets a bad reputation because it looks like we’re unfocused / giving up early / unable to commit, but it’s just part of the journey. When we do something, we give it our all. But we don’t stay in the same place for very long. What worked for me at 28 years old, may not work for me at 30 years old.

Change is the only constant, and I’m not going to let anyone else box me into something they think I should do or be. And I’m definitely not going to go the “safer” route because oftentimes that makes me feel …(for lack of a better word) dead inside, like I’ve betrayed myself.

THIS IS ME

I’m going to be someone who is willing to re-invent myself over and over again until I get closer to who I am. I won’t minimize the hard work or fear involved. It’s going to be a daily challenge, but I’m going to keep “getting up” and going after what I want.

What are you going to choose?

Why I Hired A Business Coach

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I recently decided to make the big decision to hire a business coach.

I don’t want to disclose my coach’s name yet until I have lengthy experience working with them and can vouch for them. Before I came to this decision though, I had been following this person’s online presence and content for awhile. I discovered them because they were a coach for a successful female entrepreneur I admired. I listened to this coach’s interviews and tried to apply their advice in my daily life. I thought the advice and strategies were quite good. I also had a couple conversations with the coach to decide if working together was a good fit or not.

Hiring a business coach is a sizable financial investment, so my decision was not made lightly. It came down to 3 big reasons:

1. ADMITTING I NEED HELP

This was probably the hardest thing for me to admit. I was hoping to save my money to use towards my living expenses and extend the length of my runway. But at the same time, I had to look at the hard numbers of my business and realize that I was still a long way off from being able to make a sustainable living off it. It feels like I’m working constantly on my business, so working harder or longer hours isn’t really a viable solution. I also had to admit that I lack business experience and am not very good at marketing or sales. 😐

So to summarize, I had to admit that I didn’t know how to make a sustainable business on my own.

2. WANTING A SINGLE GUIDING VOICE

Since I don’t have co-workers, the conversations I have about my business arise when I’m talking to my boyfriend, friends, and family. Sometimes I’ll get an idea from a conversation and all of a sudden, I’ll be all gung-ho and excited about trying that idea out. So my focus suddenly shifts to something that randomly came up in my last conversation. On the flip side, relying on my own inner voice is tricky because the voice of fear inside myself sometimes holds me back from doing things.

What I believe I need is advice from a single person who has successfully built a business and has gone through the growing pains that I have. I need help with setting priorities and goals from the braindump of ideas that I have in my mind.

To summarize, there’s plenty of business advice out there, but I need a single voice telling me what to focus on next. And then my personal relationships can purely be personal time.

3. NEEDING ACCOUNTABILITY

It’s easy to have lots of grand ideas about where I could take my business, but executing them on a disciplined schedule is very hard. I find it challenging to make plans and stick with them. Often, it’s because I get discouraged by the lack of results when I’m part way through, so I scrap the whole idea as not worth doing. Or a better idea comes along that I’d rather try.

When it comes to the things that are hard and outside my comfort zone, I easily procrastinate on them, so the hardest milestones can get pushed back repeatedly because there are no set deadlines.

To summarize, I need accountability on the plans I develop – to make sure I’m pushing myself outside my comfort zone daily and making strategic use of my time.

LAST THOUGHTS

This article was not meant to convince anyone to get a business coach. I’m just sharing my experience. I know that hiring a business coach isn’t right for everyone. It especially depends on what point you are in your life and your business. Last year I wouldn’t have been ready for one.

Also, finding the right coach is a long vetting process that is going to be very different for each person. There’s a lot of business coaches out there on the internet that sell very expensive coaching packages with fancy email funnels and lots of social media advertising. It can be easy to fall prey to them when feeling emotional and frustrated about the state of your business. If you decide to look for one, please be careful and thoroughly vet them!

As always, I hope that sharing my thoughts was helpful to you. I try to be more open and vulnerable about the challenges of entrepreneurship.

I’m also doing this daily in short segments on my podcast.

Thanks for reading!

Asking for Permission

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I realized that I try to ask for permission too often in life.

There are the little things that I do without thinking. I ask, “Can I go to the bathroom?” when I’m at a friend’s house for the first time. Sometimes they’ll playfully respond, “No, you can’t!” with a big grin.

When I got a new manager at work, I asked, “Could I have a particular day off?” He was perfectly fine with it and added, “This is not a prison. You don’t need to ask for permission!”

Sometimes I’ll ask my boyfriend if it’s okay that I hang out with a friend on the weekend. He responds with, “You don’t need to ask me, love. Go have fun.”

THE PAST

This begs the question, why do I ask for permission from people who don’t think I need to be asking them? I believe it’s a bad habit from being in environments for many years where there were structured rules on what I could or could not do – i.e. living at home, living in a dorm, going to school, working at companies.

Don’t get me wrong, boundaries and rules are great. They create order out of chaos. They teach us good judgement when we are young fledglings in this world. They help us stay in between the lines – safe from things outside the lines which are dangerous, unethical, or involve monsters that will eat you alive.

Asking for Permission Too OftenWhen I was a Developer Advocate at Google, we wrote social media and blog posts for developers in the public. I ran the content for these posts by a bunch of people before releasing. They would proofread and give me feedback on what to add, nix, or re-word. For any type of product launch, there was an even beefier process. We needed approval from a lengthy list of people including PR and management. Having a protocol is understandable, but nevertheless, the process could take an unpredictable amount of time and gave me anxiety.

THE PRESENT

When I started writing posts on my personal blog, I asked people to proofread it for me. Unknowingly, I was creating my own “launch process” for my blog and recruiting people to give me the OK on whether it was good enough to launch or not. However, my proofreaders have busy lives, and they couldn’t always read it right away. So there I was, anxiously waiting to post something but blocked on waiting for my proofreader to review it. In this new world without any rules on my work, I asked myself, “Why am I creating these artificial roadblocks on releasing my posts?” I realized I don’t need anyone’s sign-off. I could trust my gut on whether something was good enough to share.

Another perk of a personal blog is that I’m no longer representing another organization or entity. I don’t need to be consistent with someone else’s voice or brand, no matter how awesome that brand is.

I can speak in MY voice.

I can use expletives @!@#%!@#*$ to complain and rant about things. I can type this blog post as a text message – wutcha doin? I can hold down the SHIFT and 1 key as long as I want!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (My favorite punctuation mark.) I can use asterisks to cry *tears of joy!* And I can make it rain emojis. 🙂 😀 😯 😛 😐 😉 🙁 😡 😕 😯 🙂 😉 😮 😡 😐 😀 🙂 😀 😯 😛 😐 😉 🙁 😡 😕 😯 🙂 😉 😮 😡 😐 😀 🙁 😡 😕 😯 🙂 😉 😮 😐 😯 😮 😀 😯 😛 😐 😉 🙁 😀 🙂

But more than grammatical freedom, is the freedom to express my ideas in an unapologetic way. I can talk about whatever topic weighs on my mind or makes me super giddy regardless of how random it is (see Monopoly post). I can share my faith journey too! There’s no need to be politically correct here.

REFLECTION

There can be a very thin line between being considerate of other people’s boundaries and caring too much about what they think. Unfortunately, it’s very easy for me to cross into that latter territory. I ask for permission too much because I want approval from the other person on the course of action I’m about to take.

For example, earlier this year, I felt the need to ask everyone around me for permission to leave my job. While I didn’t exactly ask for permission from my family, I ask the loaded question: “Hypothetically, what do you think about me leaving Google?” I also felt like I needed to get permission from my team to leave. I wasn’t sure what to say, how to say it, or if they’d dislike me for leaving. It turned out that I was overly worried and was able to leave the team on a friendly note – at least I think so. 😛

Now the path to my future can literally take any direction. I can go this way or that, or even head backwards if I wanted! Regardless of what I choose, I know that I can use my inner compass to guide me.

Asking for Permission Too OftenI no longer need to ask for permission from anyone to live my fullest life.

As the James Bay “Let it Go” song goes, “Why don’t you be you, and I’ll be me.”